Today was a weighty day for me.

I had my Junior Audit today. I already will have 112 credits at the end of this semester. You only need 124 to graduate. Sadly, I will probably be taking over 50 more credits before I leave. Which leads me to my next point -- I will most definitely be a 5th year student at Hillsdale College. There is no way on earth I will finish all my requirements by the spring of 2006. Granted, I've known this would most likely be the case for a long time now. But reality has finally set in, and I'm afraid of it. Yes, I have the most wonderful and cherished friends in grades below me, and they will make my extra year be most loved. But, I have a split desire for my life. Half of me wants to grow up -- to find my true love, that man whom I've waited for my whole life and captures my heart and soul for good. No stupid flings for this girl. She's a girl looking for her ideal. He won't be perfect. But he will be perfect for me. And I won't settle for anything less.

But, as much as I want to get OUT of college, and grow up, there is this huge part of me which wishes I were still just a child. Just a little girl. The little girl in a ponytail and dolly, who had gotten over a fight with her sister and was attempting to create a cake without a recipe, and certainly without her mother's permission. The little girl who realized for the first time what it was to look in her Bible and find the real truth, and understand it. The little girl who thought scrunchies were cool and boys were scary. The little girl who sang in the middle of the local Greek restaurant....in Greek, b/c her daddy wanted to show her off. The little girl who had the excruciating summer job of going swimming on the local swim and tennis' clubs summer league, playing dolls, having three fully developed and exquisite forts in the forest behind her house. What happened to those days? And why do I feel so stuck in between the past and the future, and lost in the present?

The second thing which happened today made me feel my present state even more accutely. I got a call from my bestest guy friend, Blair, telling me that he and his girlfriend were now engaged........the Blair who I talked to all the time about his crushes, the guy who took me to my senior homecoming, the guy who let me cry o him about my dog when she died my senior year. The guy who was so so so important to me, who I could tell had the greatest potential of any of the guys in my class in highschool to be a great husband someday, now WILL be one. And I'm honored to call him my friend.

Maybe someday, the same thing will happen to me. And i'll be ok with leaving the past behind, and moving solely toward a future. Someday. Just not today.


just something to think about.