The urge to cut and run.

"...it's easier to dream than to create. So my temptation, as you might imagine, is finally to sit on the stairs of my rented house and cry. Problem is, I can't do [this] for long. Eventually, one has to get up off the stairs and go eat. And meanwhile, living in an age of global everything, it's viturally impossible to create an insular world. However, even if I could overcome these obstacles and hide, one big barrier remains: I can't escape the real presence of a God who continues to call me to love him and to love others, regardless of where I find myself." - Connally Gilliam

This I have been realizing about myself. I'm a runner. Not like my cousin who can run a marathon on a couple weeks' notice. I've tried to consider myself as such, and I'm always to be a jogger. But that's not the type of runner that I am. I'm thinking the Julia Roberts, "Runaway Bride" type of runner. Certainly not as drastic, nor as commitment phobic. But a runner just the same. Let me just explain.

If you know me, you know my list. That list of places I've lived. Every time I repeat it, two things happen - 1. I get a visual of a map in my head, and I start at the beginning and draw little lines to connect all the places I've lived together, and I always go in chronological order. 2., I always brace myself for the "You lived in Australia!?" comment, and am rather sick of it.

But there's this third thing that I'm learning about it all... all that moving... that it has taught me to do. It wasn't anyone's fault. I don't blame it on anyone, or wish it happened differently. I love that I've lived a million places with a million experiences. But it did give me this beautiful little catch - I could run from my problems. It was never obvious at the time, but despite the irritation of having to re-learn what grocery store is best in town, meet all new friends, find a new school, etc. etc. etc., it always gave me the benefit of a fresh start. And here's the kicker - I never had to do it out of my own volition. When the parents said moved, I did it. Done deal.

But here I find myself at a very peculiar situation. Now, I'm grown up. Now, I've got to make my own decisions. Now, I must choose to stick with the choices that I've made, or leave them. And to leave them is to run. Flat out run. And I just can't do that, no matter how hard that part of me that yearns for that fast and easy "re-do" of starting over in a new town gives you.

But one thing I've learned through moving that people are only new for a day. After that, they're just people. And there will be times in life where you need to make a decision and stick to it. I've got a great job. I work with great people. And at this point in my life, that's what God has given me. Not a husband. Not kids. A good job where I can save money, rejoice in His sovereignty, and learn about Him anId who He's made in me - the good things that He's given me, and the sinful qualities that I need to constantly purge from myself.

So, here I am. I'm a girl who is screaming with her mouth shut, throwing a silent tantrum before her Savior. I'm a girl who is doing her very best to follow the will and plan of her Savior, despite the desire to cut and run. While I may argue, cry, and plead...I won't choose to run from here and His plan for me. While I'm a girl every day who wants to get in that car and drive somewhere, anywhere, that's not here - the car stays parked. While I'm a girl who doesn't want to deal with her mistakes, I will walk right back to them every day. I'm a girl who's not used to sticking to working through the messes she's made, because before she could leave them. Leave them in Australia, or in towns scattered about America, or in college. I knew all those things would pass. But now, it's up to me and the tiny threadbare faith that I grasp to to suck it up and deal. I It's so much "easier" that way, but it certainly won't teach me anything in the long run. Persistence. Hard work. Dedication. Perseverance. Courage. Faith. Joy. Confidence. Kindness. Gentleness. These are the things I should be grasping at. Not my car keys to run. I've made this decision (and not on my own, mind you! This wasn't my first desire...it was clear this was where GOD wanted me to be.) I will stick it out. I will make it. Not on my own strength, but the Lord's. I bind myself to him and turn my eyes away from my fears. I am His, and His alone.